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Posted by denise at 04:00AM, Sunday, December 09th, 2001

I'm pissed off.

I found a picture of myself sitting at my desk in my old employer's office. Shocking. I was a different person. Rather, I am a different person.

This old picture, must have been taken around 1996, shows my disaster area desk as well as my unsuppressible need for privacy, demonstrated by the maps plastering the windows that allowed me to see my underlings. What it doesnít show is the years of school and work related stress that led me to drinking nightly and smoking incessantly. I could get laid almost anytime and never exercised for a damn. I drove a beater car, had three pages of resume full of deadbeat jobs, most of which I was fired from. I stole, vandalized old boyfriendsí cars, and made crank calls a la Jerky Boys. I barely finished college and had a weekly budget of $20 a week. I couldnít afford drugs. I ate crappy food if I ate at all, and the horrible sleeping habits I kept were non-existent in my visage and body. Instead, I looked radiant. Beaming for a snap to send home to the mother and absent father and sister, and depressed as all hell brother who didnít give a damn about me, 2,500 miles away.

Today, I have been reformed. I do yoga, pilates, kickboxing, dance and weight lifting. I eat tofu, tempeh, bulk beans, rice (brown, basmati, and jasmine), yogurt and vegetables. I cut sodium, sugar, and fat. I quit smoking and drinking to excess. I have a great job where I am well respected and drive a fabulous European car. I take pills to control my female moods and insomnia. I take classes at the local college to better myself. Iíve resolved family issues, my liver is still intact, and Iíve got a little money to feel secure. Iím older, wiser and have self-confidence to spare. So, why am I pissed now?

Iím pissed that my name brand board shorts show off my cellulite.

Iím pissed that no matter how much I exercise, I will never have the muscle tone I want.

Iím pissed that I donít want to date men younger than I am.

Iím pissed that I put good money into bad IRAs.

Iím pissed that I ever ate tempeh, tofu and bulk beans (the rest are ok).

Iím pissed that Reaganomics passed me by. Iím a yuppie in a poor economy.

AND Iím pissed that when I look at pictures of myself now, I look like shit.

So I have some new caveats now:

No more counting sodium. Iím putting salt on everything BEFORE I taste it.

Everything is better with mayonnaise.

If it costs too much, buy it.

A day spent in bed assed out is perfectly fine.

AND, if I want to write a web page full of self-indulgent trip, I DAMN WELL WILL!!!

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