Posted by True American Patriot at 12:01PM, Friday, December 02nd, 2005
News from the Future
(Tuesday, February 17, 2009) Yesterday, February 16, 2009, the President signed into law the No Fetus Left Behind Act for Protecting and Valuing Life. The law carries an automatic sentence for women convicted of failing to bring a fetus to term, for any reason. The sponsor of the law, Congressman John Hostettler of Indiana, said, "This legislation will help save thousands of children in America each year. We're very proud that the President had the conviction and vision to sign this bill into law." Opponents voiced objections, which Senate Majority Leader The Revered Fred Phelps said were "treasonous, murderous, and un-American."
Also yesterday, the newest of the Department of Homeland Security's Free Speech and Re-education Centers was opened at the Federal Penitentiary in Harrisburg, PA. Any Democrats or other terrorist-lovers wishing to voice concerns with the President's actions are urged to report to the Center. In a formal ceremony, Senate Majority Leader The Reverend Phelps presided over the induction of the Center's first visitor, Cindy Sheehan. In remarks, Phelps expressed regret that Sheehan's medically-necessary lobotomy had prevented her from enjoying the experience as well as she otherwise might have.
Secretary of Information and Communication Rush Limbaugh addressed a National Press Club luncheon last Tuesday, praising the efforts he said the media had been waging in the War on Terror. His comments about Oprah Winfrey, however, were seen as inflammatory by a small minority, who were escorted out of the luncheon and transported to the Washington Free Speech Center. The Secretary said Winfrey was a "traitor" for her statement last Monday in which she said that not all women who failed to carry a fetus to term should be automatically convicted of murder under the new No Fetus Left Behind Act, which President Bush pledged to sign into law last week (the legislation was made law yesterday.) Winfrey is still at large after fleeing NBC studios on Tuesday afternoon, just after Limbaugh announced during his radio show that he'd issued a warrant for her arrest on charges of treason and attempted terrorism. Any readers with knowledge of her whereabouts are urged to contact the Department of Homeland Securtiy. Authorities last Friday said they intercepted communications indicating that Winfrey's private Gulfstream jet was likely to be used in an attack on Government property; the jet was seized this past weekend. Governor Schwarzenegger reportedly has plans to refit it for official use by the State of California.
It has now been three months since any complaints or legal action were filed challenging the Total Communication Freedom Act that President Bush signed early last year, which bans any attempt whatsoever to prevent the Justice Department from monitoring any communication between individuals. Enron CEO Ken Lay released a statement last Thursday from the South Beach Prison for Convicted Republicans, lauding the success of the act, and congratulating the President on his success in apprehending terrorists who filed complaints against the act. He expressed regret that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg had not been immediately arrested and transported to a Free Speech Center after her dissent in EFF v. Gonzales, which was the first and only challenge to the act. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, also in residence at the prison, attended the press ceremony at which Lay released the statement. Secretary of Defense and Conformity Donald Rumsfeld, also in residence at the Prison, where he's serving a term in place of President Bush, who was convicted last year of Treason for dissolving the United States Constitution, before the conviction was overturned with the reorganization of the Senate, assured Lay that "future cases [would] not be treated with such un-earned compassion and lenience."
The Senate hearings investigating the capture and deaths of two of the three Supreme Court Justices who dissented in United States v. Bush in December of last year have concluded. Winning presidential candidate John McCain, on whose behalf the court case was initially brought, stated "We've determined that Justices Breyer and Souter are really dead, and that concludes this investigation to the satisfaction of the Senate." Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg is still at large, however, and authorities indicated concern over her whereabouts and intentions. "Anyone with knowledge of her location or activities should please report to the nearest Free Speech and Re-Education Center," said Minister of Justice Roberto Gonzales. First Lady Laura Bush released a statement in which she said "We're pleased that America joins us in celebrating the outcome of United States versus George Bush, a landmark case which determined that the overwhelming 99 and a half percent majority which voted for President Bush for his history-making third term must have their voices heard, and not overruled by Activist Judges with their ridiculous claims about voting machines and voter rights. We're proud the nation joins us in realizing that President Bush is the United States."
After the conclusion of the hearings, Senate leadership asked Minority Leader (and sole remaining Senate Democrat) Joseph Lieberman whether he had any objections. Lieberman said "My only reservation is that I was too old to join in the man-hunt for these activist judges and help bring them to Justice for the glory of our President in the fight against Terror." Justice thanked him for his comments, and reportedly waived Lieberman's requirement to report to the Re-education Center in Baghdad for a further 30 days.
This week, the Senate plans to finish drafting legislation for the Justice Re-purposing Act, which will formalize procedures for transferring members of the former Judicial Branch of the government to their new positions in the departments of Homeland Security and Information and Communications, and for smoothly transferring un-American former judges to the nearest Free Speech and Re-Education Center.
In entertainment news, the reanimated corpse of Vice President Dick Cheney attended a Christian Coalition News Network fundraiser at the Condoleezza Rice Navy Base (formerly the city of New Orleans.) He was joined by the reanimated corpse of former First Lady Nancy Reagan. Secretary of Religion Pat Robertson expressed his delight at their attendance, and reiterated his Church's embrace of reanimated corpses, "as long as they're true Christians, and not terrorists or godless heathens," he said. The Vice President's reanimated corpse then shot Robertson in what aides describe as a "hunting accident." Robertson is expected to recover.
In business news, Halliburton yesterday announced record profits. Analysts say that its revenues are now more than the combined GDP of all Western European nations. When quarterly profits were announced a year ago, remaining Democratic congressmen voiced their objections to what they described as Halliburton's "ridiculous income-tax evasion" (the firm paid $0 in corporate income taxes for the 2007 fiscal year), starting massive riots. The reanimated corpse of the Vice President, speaking at his opulent vacation estate (formerly the State of Rhode Island), warned against such riots now or in the future, saying, "It's essential to national security in our post-9/11 world that some of us make tough sacrifices so that we may protect America."
Also yesterday, during a gathering at the White House, the President once more expressed his condolences for the loss of "valuable real estate" in San Francisco, after that city was destroyed by an Iranian nuclear warhead in July of 2007. He assured Americans that his efforts to find a peaceful solution to the American-Iranian conflict were ongoing, and urged patience while he worked through diplomatic channels. The remarks were the first time the President has used his new America-Speech device in public. The device, created by the manufacturing arm of the Diebold Center in the Ministry of Voting for the Wishes of the American Public, is, according to officials, very similar to the one used by the late Doctor Stephen Hawking. Officials say that it was impossible to copy the one used by the late Doctor, as it was destroyed when the United States was forced to bomb Britain after that nation's disputed 2007 elections, in which Tony Blair was ousted from his leadership position, and when Britain voted to withdraw from operations in Iraq. The Diebold device uses state-of-the-art artificial intelligence routines to translate the President's gurgles and moans into spoken American. Doctors say President Bush has continued to be unable to speak on his own, ever since the reanimated corpse of the Vice President shot him in a hunting accident, the weekend before President Bush was to be sentenced for his conviction on charges of treason, in June, 2008. Treasonous Democrats have continued to assert that alcohol played a role in the shooting accident, citing both the President's largely incoherent but magnificent speech to Congress on the previous Friday, which administration officials clarified was about defending the President's god-given right to make, interpret, sign, and carry out the law, and the reanimated corpse of the Vice President's ecstatic and boisterous cheers, including the puzzling "Atta-boy, Chimpy!" statement which received much media attention last Summer.
Finally, we wish to remind all Americans that the membership dues for Republican Party membership cards are increasing to $125 a month in March. All citizens who fail to obtain the new cards or updated RFID implants by the first of the month are at risk of arrest for the crime of un-American Activities. The charge carries an automatic transfer to the Free Speech and Re-Education Center in Baghdad.
Copyright 2009, Christian Coalition News Network/Limbaugh Productions
Editor's note: This article is political satire, and as such is protected by the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. Or maybe it's not protected, in which case we don't live in America any more.
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